(no subject)


Let's start with some of the things going through my mind while I listened to toasts at a recent wedding.

Everyone kept saying that the bride was no longer an X, now she was a Y. And I just wanted to scream, NO SHE IS STILL WHO SHE IS! SHE IS NOT PROPERTY! But, maybe that's me. I don't know. I mean, if you want to change your name, that's cool, but it just made me feel icky. Again, that's me. Then I got to thinking about how that's not ever going to be me, because, I can't do that. I can't give up my whole identity (in theory). I'm who I am.

You could argue that a name is just a name. If that's the case, then why doesn't he change his name? Why must the onus fall upon the woman? It's just always really bothered me. Maybe I just really like my name. Anyways, the wedding was fun. except for the small injury I sustained, but otherwise, I had a good time.

I wonder if Costco has chanterelle mushrooms yet.

The election. Ugh. I'm holding out hope that it will be okay. That it was all just a ploy. That this is an M. Night Shamalyan movie.

Work. I'm having issues. I'm beginning the "Ok, I need to quit" squirm dance. I'm just not in a place where I feel I can make that happen. I toyed with the idea of buying one of the owners out, but I think he overvalues what his share is worth. I was willing to offer about $90k (not that I would be able to get a bank loan, but man, wouldn't that be cool?), but one of the owners felt that was too low. I failed to see how it was. They make X amount in profits on sales, but right now, there are going to be major upgrades needed to the building. It's almost 20 years old. Things are slowly falling apart. A new espresso machine is going to be needed within the next two years, that's an EASY $5-10k investment (if you can find a decent used one, it will closer to the $5k range). Wages are now going up. Gotta pay out sick time now (although, 1 whole hour every 30 hours worked is hardly going to break the bank, honestly) Health insurance costs, well, those might go away since the ACA is probably going to be repealed. They are considering putting themselves on salary to circumvent the minimum hours worked to continue to receive health insurance. I wonder if they would be able to accept tips if they go on salary. I should look into that.

I've been on a Facebook break since the beginning of October. It's been super nice. I've gone on and looked at a few things occasionally, but otherwise, not having that sitting right on my phone has been amazing.

I'm looking forward to the Seattle trip in March. Mostly, I'm looking forward to a vacation. Dear deity, I need it!

I'm taking the 4 days of Thanksgiving off from work. I've already put in my request. I really really really really don't want to deal with any work shit those 4 days.

D told me today that he wanted to get with me about what time everyone needs to work on the holidays. I said, Can you just email that to me?
Nope. Gotta sit down and talk about it. I don't want to sit down and talk about it. Just email me the shit. Or do the damn schedule yourself. For fuck's sake. You already over schedule all the shit anyways. Can everyone send out good thoughts for surgery complications on 11/28? Thanks.

Anyways. I think that's all. I kind of miss coming on here and writing stuff. I think I need to get back into that habit.

In other news

I managed to score a part time job with an insurance company. I can see the end of coffee.


They moved the position to Phoenix.

sigh. back to the drawing board.

In the meantime, I've decided to donate some baked goods to the Big Annual Vegan Bake Sale next month. Along with some of my time if they need it. I have an order for some muffins from a friend for April, as well.

In other news, we might be moving house again. We discussed pros and cons. I need to see if I renegotiate the lease. There are a few things with the place that we just aren't happy with, but well, we'll see.

I spoke with a guy who is trying to open a commissary kitchen in town. There is only one kitchen right now and it's fully booked. (as an aside, I'm watching Madam Secretary, and her oldest daughter is not wanting to go to college right now, so they said, ok get a job and she started whining about how she didn't want to work in an office or be a waitress, she wanted to work on her novel. ugh. seriously.) So this guy already has a money making venture in his hands.

I'm thinking about using this lady's business model for my own meal delivery service. Thoughts on that?

Ok. I'm losing my train of thought.

breakdown, on using livejournal as free therapy

Saturday night I had another crying breakdown. Like, full body heaving, tears flowing, snot, the whole shebang. I'm a really ugly cryer. It's true. It's just messy.

- I feel unvalued. I know on one hand that this isn't true, because there is a reliance on what I offer that they depend on
- The environment is poisonous. When Crazy D is there, it's a crapshoot. It's like being a battered spouse. You don't know if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. You walk on eggshells, but the days that he isn't there are like, to quote Matthew Inman, "playing in an angel's backhair". It's amazing. We work together, we aren't trying to avoid working a window with him, we aren't having to handle him like we are talking to our grandpa at the nursing home while he battles dementia (not to make light of dementia, please don't think that's what I'm doing). I spend days dreading the shifts where I will have to work more than one hour with him. I get anxious on shifts where I close and he opens the next day. It's poison. It's being held hostage by a five year old who throws a tantrum when things don't go his way.
- I've started to look for new jobs. Part time is preferable, just so I can have more flexibility working on my baking business. So there is this smaller level of stress added to it, because I don't want to leave my coworkers, but we all understand the toxic environment. One of the newer guys, IV, was really funny on Saturday, "I don't understand..." and I cut him off. "You don't understand how I've lasted almost 5 years."
"Yeah. I just don't know how you did it."
He's been there just over a year and is already talking about finding a new job. It is AMAZING how much one person can contaminate an environment.
- There really is nothing I can do to help improve the environment. I try to follow the whole "don't complain about the dark, instead light a candle", but, this is like the Nothing from Neverending Story. I can only do so much as I have no power. I am not an owner in this business. All I can do is leave. I am replaceable. What I have been doing is offering my support and cheerleadering my coworkers to look for new jobs. I may even take one of them to work on her resume. She seems to feel trapped because "the money is good". She's only 22, and honestly, the money can always be better somewhere else. Especially when you are a valued member of the team.

- Jessie has been out of work for about a month. I've been floating us since then, but well, he owes me a lot of money and it freaks me out not to have the cushion I used to have in my savings account. Especially since I used about a third of my savings to front the costs of my business (equipment and food).
- It gets messy in here. It drives me nuts. I contribute to the mess, but I'm so exhausted at the end of another 12 hour shift on my feet walking on eggshells that I don't want to do the dishes. I don't want to vacuum. I don't want to throw away the garbage from dinner. I just want to go to bed. I definitely don't want to do the laundry or put it away.
- The kitty is fine. She purrs. She sits on my lap. She bothers me for food. I like the kitty.

There are a few other things that I don't really want to put down at this time, because, well, they are still very private for me. But, they are things that I would love to give some emotion to, but I feel like I don't really have enough to spare right now. I can't figure out how to move the amount of emotion that work takes and put it to other things, like these other things I've got going on.

My drinking has increased over the past few months. On the happy side, I guess, I no longer seem to get raging headaches from beer/liquor like I used to. So that's good. On a good money side, it doesn't take as much to get me drunk anymore, so that's super. I don't like that I'm drinking again, but, I also am aware of how much I am drinking, and I make sure to not let it get carried away. My diet has also taken a turn for the worst. I'm keeping mostly vegetarian, but, sometimes, well, I just need food in my belly.

I feel like I'm trying to make improvements and stop repeating the same mistakes. I don't know if I could keep doing this on my own, without Jessie here. He was so great while i was just crying. He just held me. He let me be gross with my snot and tears. I felt bad because it made him angry, not at me, but at my bosses. I didn't want him to be angry. honestly, I tried to keep the tears in, but I couldn't do it. My voice just cracked and that was that. It all came out.

It sucks. It really does. But, I'm doing what I can. I'm trying to make the changes now.

And I need to make an eye appointment.
Charlie Brown

This is a story about my holiday vacation. It's long and wordy. You've been warned.

Florida vacation. Yay!

We left Christmas morning. We were only about 25 minutes behind the schedule in my brain, but I was okay with it. I knew traffic would be pretty light as it was Xmas Day, and the traffic doesn't really pick up until about 10 a.m. Thankfully, I remembered on Christmas Eve to reserve parking at an off site lot. There was no parking ANYWHERE EVER IN THE PHOENIX AREA on Christmas Day, at least according to the internet. Anyways, I thought about stopping at Coffee to get a drink for us to hit the road, but the two people that I don't trust to make my drink (because they are both really bad at it) were working. We went to the QT instead. Yeah.

J fell asleep on the road after he ate his yogurt from the QT. The coffee stayed in the car the entire trip. Never took one sip. Good thing he bought breakfast for us both. :) We arrived at the car park and they had to do valet because they had NO parking anywhere. It was parallel parking on top of regular parking and all kinds of whackadoo going on. The poor guys handling the incoming cars looked stressed. I felt kind of bad for them. It's cold and people are grumpy for some reason. Usually, people are really calm on Christmas Day. We get out of the car and hand over the keys. While we are unpacking the back, one of the parking guys keeps repeating himself, "I'm sorry ma'am, but there are no spaces right now. I can get the manager for you if you like, but we won't be able to park the car until the people arriving today leave and we can put your car in one of those spaces. No, ma'am, like I said, there are no spaces right now. I can get the manager for you if you'd like..." Seriously. About 5 minutes of that. I handed the guy helping us two Starbucks gift cards and told him that was for him and his co-worker. Take a latte break and don't let the grumps get you down! He seemed pretty happy about it.

The shuttle appeared right away and we were whisked to the airport pretty quickly. We got there with about 45 minutes to go and then...THE SECURITY THEATER LINE!

Let's backtrack a bit, there is a soda called Diet Squirt. It's pretty damn delicious. It's not available east of the Mississippi for some really weird reason. I had two 12 packs, one in each suitcase. We realize that J's suitcase is carry-on size. You see where this is going, right? Yeah, we had to toss out the 12-pack of soda. I was so bummed. You know what really sucked? We had to check the bag at the gate because the flight was so full. Yeah. That happened. Whatever. We got new neck pillows though. I like neck pillows. I need to put one in my truck again so that my work naps are more comfortable. :)

Board the flight, it's super full. And, I had a first. I FINALLY used an airplane bathroom. In my 20 years of flying, I had never done this before. They aren't as scary as I thought they would be, but they are as small as I thought they would be. Also, everyone can hear you toot. It's true. Ok, it's not really true. But, it could be.

The drink and food cart were going by, J and I figured out what we wanted to eat. An extravagance, to be sure, but we were hungry. All we brought with us for snacks was some beef jerky for J and some bananas for me. Well, for whatever reason, the food guy just skipped us. Maybe he thought we were asleep, maybe he asked and we didn't hear. I don't know. The drink cart came by, I ordered some whiskey and ginger ale. Sadly, no limes were to be had (not that I thought there would be, funnily enough, on the flight back someone asked for lime). The best part of that drink, I didn't pay for it. Apparently, they forgot to charge me. I'm down with that. Especially since I didn't get to even order a hummus snack box!

We land, everything is fine, get our bags which took a little longer than usual and taught us that we need to definitely get a luggage tag for J since he has a little black bag. I have a huge orange bag. Get in the car with the parents and head towards the hotel in Orlando. That may have been one of the top 20 worst car rides, ever. We arrive, check in, and unpack a few things. We gave my dad one can of Diet Squirt. We told him that we had cajoled the TSA agent into letting us take one precious can with us. He was super excited to get it.

We went to Medieval Times for dinner. The Green knight was our champion. Sadly, he lost to the Red knight after everything. The Red knight went forward to defend our lands against some dude with face paint who was all about taking the princess back to his King. Yeah, right dude. I had the vegetarian option. That was a delicious stew. Yum! There was also a blood orange cider that was amazingly delicious. I wish that we had it out here.

See, this is the problem with local breweries, you can't get the stuff where you live. Waaaaaaaah!

Anyways, we dropped my parents off at the hotel and went off in search of a battery for a digital camera that J had purchased at the thrift store a day or two prior to our leaving. Instead of, you know, taking care of it before we left town. Or, you know, using MY digital camera until after our vacation. Yeah. I know, right? Siiiigh.

Saturday, December 26th

We all get up and get ready to go to Universal Studios. Yaaay! Harry Potter time. Except, we missed the shuttle. Because no one will listen to me that it's time to go get the shuttle, "oh, no, I'm sure they'll announce that it's here." Uhh, why would they do that? This isn't the Greyhound bus station. Yeah, they didn't announce it. Ok, we'll drive over. We have the handicap placard! Yaaaay! Only had to pay $20 for parking, still got to park in the preferred area, and we were on our way in. Because we got there so early, the wait for Spiderman was zero. Which was awesome. My mom got her scooter before we headed in, we got on Spiderman, and then headed for Harry Potter world. Except, we stopped in the Toon area and got on a water ride. I'm so dumb. It's like I've never been to a damn theme park before. Yeah, we got soaked.

While we wandered around, we noticed that there were water cannons on the pedestrian walkway over one of the water rides. There were two people standing there pumping quarters into the machine and enjoying spraying people way too much. They were really cool. They let us take a few turns because the other machines weren't working. Nice people. :)

Harry Potter was amazing. I want to go back and do the VIP tour experience thing so that way I can get backstage and see stuff and not wait in line for rides. Because, for real, that's where all your time goes. I need to start saving my pennies now so I can afford it. It'll be like $500 for the day. Totally worth it. You get lunch included!

Later in the evening, I got to meet up with Heather. I haven't seen her in person for YEARS. I wish we had had a day together. Just the two of us to just chat. And have like cake and coffee and potato skins with bleu cheese and hot sauce. Yeah.

Sunday December 27th

We left Orlando and headed to St. Augustine. Which means we sat in traffic for hours. Seriously. It was on par with Phoenix traffic on a Monday. I didn't know we were going to stay the night. Had I known, I would have recommended they call ahead and get a room at a place they normally stay in. Yeah. We wound up at a Days Inn by the freeway. Which means J got all pissypants. And instead of using his WORDS he gave the silent treatment. He also got pissy because I wanted to take a nap once we finally had the rooms. I had been driving all day (or rather, sitting in traffic all day) while everyone else in the car napped. I was running on about 12 hours sleep over the past three days and was just using caffeine as life blood. Because, everyone else gets to nap in the car, but not the driver.

Yeah, good times. We went to some place to eat that really wasn't worth the hour wait we endured. I'm sure the food is good during non peak times, but my food was room temperature at BEST. And, honestly, if you are going to offer a vegetarian option, could you at least put some freaking thought into it? Like, for real. Just, SOMETHING, other than a mushroom sandwich. I guess it's better than a Boca burger, though.

Monday, December 28th

We left St. Augustine. I was going to suggest going to the Kennedy Space Center, but my dad's feet were in really bad shape. Swollen, he had sores, and he couldn't wear his shoes properly. We headed for home. we stoped at a 7-11 so I could get some coffee and while I was inside, I was delightfully entertained by an old couple. The man was fixing himself a coffee and looking for milk (looked to me like he was making an au lait considering how much milk was going into his cup) and his lady friend was looking for something to eat.
"I can't find anything I want to eat," says the lady.
"Well, we aren't going out after we get there so you better find something," he grouchily responds.
"Nothing here looks good to me right now. I don't know why you have to talk to me like that!"
I was just thinking, "Dude, you are TOTALLY going out after you get there. And you know it. Also, I love both of you so much right now because dear god did I miss hearing that accent." New Yorkers!! :)

I finally got a driving break around just north of Ft. Pierce. Not a minute too soon, I was starting to fall asleep at the wheel. I have a hard time sleeping in cars, but it was nice not to have to worry about concentrating on the road. My mom finished the drive home, and we arrived in one piece. THEN WE WENT TO PUBLIX!!!!

I missed Publix so much. My veggie sandwich was delicious. The pastries from the bakery were delicious. We made guacamole and had chips and it was delicious. I was so happy to be back in the arms of Publix again. I wish we had one out here. They got an Aldi in WPB, too. That seemed pretty exciting. I didn't go in, because I can only give my grocery store love to Publix. PUBLIX.

Tuesday through Friday

I took J to the beach. We went to Palm Beach island. I miss the ocean, but not the sand. I got in the water, though. It was a little chilly, but warmed up nicely after a while. The ocean was rough, I think the Atlantic is mad at me for moving away, kept throwing me out of the water. Jerk. J picked a bunch of shells from around where we sat. I watched the clouds rolling out, boats out on the horizon, and a couple taking wedding pictures. I missed Florida for a minute while we were out there. I missed my memories of Heather and me sitting on the wall eating Taco Bell while we listened to the surf. Watching families play in the sand and water. Little kids building sand castles with their buckets or burying their siblings under all the sand. It made me think of a picture of me taken around the age of five or six, after losing all my hair to head lice, wearing a bikini on my chubby little body, but looking like I was having the time of my fucking life.

I got a little melancholy sitting there.

For New Year's Eve we went to Delray Beach for "First Night". We spent most of the evening (after sitting in traffic and then finally finding a parking space) sitting at a cafe that had amazing americanos and delicious pizza. Seriously, that shit was good.

We spent $35 on two shots of decent scotch and two beers. Yeah. $35 PLUS TIP. Ugh.

Went back to the cafe with the $5 beers. :)

Sat outside of a vape store that had hired a saxophone player for the evening. He was a really nice guy. Offered us some tequila. We chatted about the northeast, the south, drugs, alcohol, skiing, travel, and music. A friend of his showed up and became his singer for the evening. An Uber driver appeared (this became a theme by the end of the night, I got to watch this happen a lot) and couldn't find his fare. He asked the singer to announce that he was there. Melinda, Melinda, he sang, your Uber is here! You ate too many tacos! Come meet your driver! Yeah, that guy was pretty well into that bottle of tequila, too. By the end of the night, I think saxophone and J were best friends. He gave J his phone number and said if we ever wanted to hang out and smoke weed, give him a call. Yeah, he was pretty drunk at this point.

While J finished his beer after the fireworks, I sat and watched groups of drunken people wander around trying to find their Uber drivers. Lots of people on cell phones, "No, I'm across from the pizza place on sixth. Sixth. SIXTH. PIZZA. ACROSS THE STREET." Siiiiiigh. You know, I don't miss being a drunken idiot. I cringe when I think about how ridiculous I've been in the past with people while I was really intoxicated. More melancholy.

I finally got to sleep in a bit on New Year's Day. We found a nice place to have lunch, got back and packed up our things. We stopped at Wal-Mart on the way to the airport because J needed to return the cell phone he bought. I got to listen to a couple of the employees talk about a possible customer complaint issue. Ahhh, I miss the drama of Florida. We stopped at Publix to get something to eat. There wasn't going to be anything served on the plane because we were taking off too late for food service. PUBLIX. I bought a bunch of cloth bags so that I have Publix with me even though I'm not there.

stop judging me

The flight back was full. Every seat was full. One girl got bounced off the flight because she was freaking out in her seat. She was afraid of heights. But she had to get to L.A. quickly. Yeah. That sucks. I wonder if she worked for ISIS. There was TSA before we got on the flight, you know, in case their thorough search BEFORE we got to the gate didn't catch stuff. Really? I was asked if I was flying alone, I motioned to J that he and I were together. They let us go through. Hmmmmmm, wonder if it had to do with that girl.

Uneventful flight, I got stuck with a middle seat, but thankfully, the other two row mates were smaller, so I wasn't cramping them and vice versa. I was so happy when we landed. I wasn't looking forward to the drive home, but I was ready to be home. J convinced me to stay in Phoenix for the night. I really felt it was a waste of money, but fine, whatever. We stayed at a kind of scary, but it looked like they were trying to make it not scary, motel. The bed was comfy, but the comforter had cigarette burns and there was only a washcloth in the bathroom. No towels. Just one sad washcloth.

I think that's it about the vacation. Yaaay!
Charlie Brown

(no subject)

Well, No Car November hasn't been very No Car-y. BUT, I've cut back a LOT on my driving. Taking the bike or bus to work is a good change of pace. Need to put some air in the front tire of the secondary bike, and air in the back tire of the primary. Siiigh, for someone so full of hot air, you'd think this wouldn't be an issue.

My job FINALLY decided to do a test run of carrying my pastries. I'm going to give them 12 muffins to try out (a variety of flavors, probably the orange, blueberry, and chocolate) for December 4th. I think it's a little silly that I'm having to jump through THIS MANY hoops, but, fine. It's uncharted territory for them. I'm also playing on their sales slow down. This is a way to give a little boost I think. A new category of customer for them: dirty hippies. :) Dirtier than the ones we already have, anyways.

Today I'm off to see Hunger Games! Yaaay!!! I'm pretty excited about it. OK, time for a shower, and then off I go!
Charlie Brown

(no subject)

Money continues to be an issue. I hate not having any :)
I decided to do "No Car November", something I made up for not driving as much and getting more exercise. I've already messed up a day. I slept through my alarm this morning. Yeah. But, tomorrow is a new day!

I'll be working the All Soul's Procession with Prest. And selling some of my muffins there. Yaaay!

I've had a few drinks, I don't really know what else to say or what to say to be introspective. This makes me sad on so many levels
Grover Dancing

(no subject)

Had a weird numbness in my right upper thigh. Lasted about a day. Everything is back to normal there. So that's good.

Been helping K out a bit more with his cart due to some travel and events he had. It's been fun. I like the working at the cart. I don't like the set up and break down :)

Mostly, right now, I need a nap.
Bucky Running

(no subject)

I've started my cutting back on availability at coffee job. I can no longer work Sundays past 11 a.m. This means I can open for them, but that I have to leave by 11. I can then FINALLY get back on track with Scrabble and then do the baking I need to do for Prest. I feel like this is a big step for me because I am stopping the offering to take more hours and shifts and volunteer for switching out and all that. Just no more. Donezo. Essentially, I feel that I'm doing these things to be nice to the people that I work with. In turn that improves their bottom line. But, then something is done wrong due to a mistake and it's the END OF THE WORLD.

Except, the mistake isn't something that really means anything horrid happened, it's just a mistake, life moves on. No big deal. But, that reaction, that reaction means that what you do in the every day to make it a little easier. The loyalty that you show, etc, it's not appreciated in the small scheme. Only in the grand scheme. And sometimes, the small scheme is where you want things to be appreciated. Soon availability will be cut to a few days a week as I expand operations of Sassy Plants.

I can't go lower than 32 hours a week, otherwise I lose my health insurance. Also, I can't afford to go that low on the hours since I need to make the money to keep things moving along here. Especially with all the traveling we are going to be doing this year for October and Christmas time. I've been toying with the idea of another job, but that will just put me back in doing my business for the baking/cooking. so, that's right out.

Might be time for a financial talk with J about pooling resources and what not. Like a real talk. He tends to get super fidgety when I discuss money with him. But, that's kind of part of a relationship, we have to be able to work through things together, instead of me fronting the money and him paying me back. Rent is a prime example of this. I can't even go into it right now. Ugh.

Anyways, the work thing is a big step for me, so I'm happy about that.

Otherwise, I can see if I won the lottery and just go buy that hotel in Bisbee. That could be fun.

(no subject)


Monday I will be selling my baked goods via my friend's coffee cart. YAAY!

I've been going over the costs. It's a little high for the products. But, they are organic. Vegan. Tasty.

Very tasty.

They are damn delicious, all right?

I'm trying to figure out how much I need to make off this. I don't want to charge him too too much, because he's just starting out himself, and I want them to sell. His regular pastries he sells for $2. But they aren't made with organic ingredients. I'm tossing in all kind of organic shit and flax seed meal. Yeah, flax. For omega-3s or whatever.

Mostly though, I'm super excited about at the very least, getting this moving. Made labels and everything.

Charlie Brown

(no subject)

I've been watching Parks and Rec again. Sometimes I think that April and Andy are kind of like me and J. Maybe I'm projecting too much. Ok, projecting a lot. The episode where she helped him do a bunch of stuff on his bucket list, I kind of feel like that I'm in that episode.

Georges, the truck, is down again. You see, this is why he's a tempermental Frenchman. Funnily enough, just got a phone call about it. $400 repair. How exciting. The alternator is bad, so, tax, labor, parts, blah blah blah. Siiiigh. I'm really tired of bleeding money right now. I was thinking about taking three days off for a quick trip to Vegas, but that's not going to happen. Raaaawr.

It's ok. I'm still taking days off around my birthday. I have some rewards points that I can cash in for a hotel in town. At least that will be a bit of a relief. I'm working way too many hours right now and it's really really really really starting to affect me. Effect? Whatever.

So, now, on my day off, when I could be doing stuff, all I want to do is just sit here. So I am. However, if I do manage to find the cloth for Loretta, then that will be the big achievement of the day. :)