WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT,
DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?
You mean the TV that is never shut off in most households lending to the dumbing down of the general populace? Ok, I guess I can turn it on.
My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
Is that all it takes to finish something? Congress doesn't want to spend anymore money on it so we finish it up? Great, how do they feel about Afghanistan? Are they still interested in spending money there? Because if not, I think the guys that are stuck there not fighting (wink wink nudge nudge) would like to come home, too. Hey...I bet Congress feels like redecorating with some Asian flavor, perhaps a Korean motif?
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces
from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin
I was going to ask if this was a Highlander reference, but that was the Quickening. Is the reckoning like the Rapture?
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which
have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The
United Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria, Australia, and Poland are some of the
countries listed there.
Please, don't forget Poland. So, these are the countries that bought into your lies and stuck with the lying instead of realizing their mistakes. Got it. Please, continue.
The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the world's
nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of
both lists later this evening.
Does this list include Chad? I have always wanted to visit Chad, but if they didn't support us, then screw them, I'll send my tourism dollars elsewhere. I hear Bulgaria is nice.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi
Indefinitely? What if they make nice? If they go into Iraq by themselves, do they get money again? Hey, why are we giving money to everyone anyways?
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hell-holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Does that mean we are going to stop supporting those same governments that you are now decrying? I admit, I'm starting to get a little confused. Is the American government turning over a new leaf? Shall we stop involving ourselves in Iran/Contra scandals, Nicaraguan civil wars and installing despots like Sadaam Hussein? Oh, should I not have mentioned that?
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.
Do you have their number?
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money
toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that
note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you
down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
OH! Those same social programs you have been cutting further and further back, those are ok again? That sounds a little too liberal to me though, I mean, c'mon you pantywaist, fuck the poor, right? I have a feeling that if our government stopped meddling in the affairs of other governments you probably won't have as big a problem with international terrorism. Hey, does this terrorist ultimatum work with domestic terrorists, too? You know, like the Unabomber and Tim McVeigh? Those crazy white dudes who weren't anywhere near being Muslim or Arabic at all...remember those guys?? I hear they don't have a lot of friends though, so it should be easy to "eliminate" those guys "from the face of the earth."
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France, or maybe China.
Why are we mad at China? I thought we loved China, they give us clothing for ten cents a piece so we can sell it to ourselves for a 1000% markup. You know, cheap labor. Cheap food. Or are we mad at them for starting to compete for oil?
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,
Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring
from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.
We were still in NATO? Does NATO do anything?
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens
of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your
precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest
chop shops in the world. I love New York.
No argument from me there. Everyone should have to pay their parking tickets. I would just like to take this moment to say...nine eleven. Right, moving on.
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing
us off for a change.
Canada pissed us off? I mean, yeah, they gave us Loverboy and Celine Dion, but they also gave us Alex Trebek, Labatt Blue, hockey and Rush. Hockey and Rush. Yeah, FUCK CANADA. YOU SOCIALIST COMMIE PINKOS!
Mexico is also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra tank and
infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep,
border security. So start doing something with your oil.
What do oil and border security have to do with each other? Are these correlating issues? I am so confused right now. Oh, hey, are you gonna still do that guest worker program so that we can continue to exploit people and expose them to hazardous chemicals so that we can get a head of lettuce for $1.25? Or is cheap labor gone now? Remember, we don't like China either.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.
YAY!!! You know, uh, most people were against it from the get go. Glad you are finally starting to see it our way.
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil
in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to
come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you
to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They care.
I think you might want to recheck your data. I don't know about for DECADES to come, maybe for like five to ten years, but that's the total amount, it's going to take at least that long to fully develop the area to get the oil out. Of course, I guess if it is going to have to handle our country's oil needs everyone should probably get rid of their Hummers, Expeditions, Escalades, driving a mile to get a quart of milk, leaving the car running while they "run in for just a second" to do whatever it is they need to do. I wonder if people will start using ceiling fans and turning the air up a little instead of lighting the fireplace and cranking the air down to fifty degrees. Hey, do you think people will also stop wanting all their food wrapped in eight layers of plastic? Yeah, and that whole ecosystem...screw that. Clean drinking water, too. That's what bottled water is for, right?
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, "darn tootin."
Funny, it's the very programs that have been put into place by our current administration that have ignored the needs of the citizens and focused on the welfare of corporations. Forgive me if I'm a bit skeptical that this will actually occur. Oh, and can you PLEASE spare me the whole, "I'm just a downhome country boy" act? You were born in Connecticut and went to prep schools for most of your life. I know that this isn't supposed to be just like Bush is saying this, but, come now, who else has ever said something akin to "darn tootin'" in a public address?
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we won't forget.
You mean sticking our nose in where it doesn't belong? Yeah, i'd get a little miffed, too. I agree with getting rid of hunger and homelessness. Hey, you should send a thank you note to Reagan for helping to add to the homelessness problem by screwing with the mental health system. That was really great of him. World Cup Soccer never did anything to you, why are you so angry at it? I mean, c'mon, the women's World Cup let you see a sports bra! To the nations on List 1...nine eleven.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
Learning a new language is not a bad thing. Many countries are multilingual. Perhaps if we weren't so xenophobic we could embrace that whole speaking other languages thing.
God bless America. Thank you and good night.
I'm going to turn the TV off now. I want to spare my brain power the next two hours of "Spin Alley" where everyone tells you what you were supposed to have heard. I think I'll go read the newspaper.
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.
I think teachers are perhaps the most underrated part of our society. They should make a lot more money and be valued more highly. Imagine the talent you could attract if you actually paid teachers a living wage! And funded the schools better! I am wondering though, did the soldiers take up teaching languages? Why should I thank them for being able to read in English? I mean, thanks for putting your life in danger for you know, when we get attacked and stuff. And for that time where you helped keep things under control after those 4 hurricanes in Florida. That was really awesome, but what that has to do with me being able to read in English is beyond me. I can read in Spanish too, who should I thank for that since we are just thanking everyone everywhere? Hey, didn't I turn this TV off?
So, that's my rebuttal. Forgive any rambling in there, I am quite tired and have been losing my train of thought lately. I now retire to bed. :)