LocaKitty (locakitty) wrote,
LocaKitty
locakitty

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i have fallen in love

With Craigslist. It's so sad, isn't it? See, there wasn't one for West Palm when I lived there, and then there wasn't one for Ft. Myers when I moved there. One thing I checked out before I moved out here is if there was a craiglist. There was, "Hurrah!" said I. So, the past few days, I've been reading the "Best of" which goes back to 2001. Below (behind the cut) are some of the best of the best of.


Date: Thu Sep 20 13:13:01 2001
TEN PROPOSED NEW LAWS FOR THIS CRISIS
1. To buy an American flag, you must present proof you have voted at least
once in the last three elections (yes, local and state elections count).

2. To display an American flag in any form, you must present proof of voter
registration.

3. To wave an American flag in public, you must be able to name at least one
of the following:
A. Your Senator
B. Your Representative
C. Your President ("George Bush" does not count;
ambiguous)

4. To sell any product with an American flag on it, you must answer the
following question:

The Bill of Rights is part of: the Constitution; the Magna Carta; the
Declaration of Independence.

5. Those heard singing patriotic songs in public may be asked to show their
voter registration cards.

6. To be permitted to scream "Nuke Afghanistan," you must be able to
correctly locate Afghanistan on a map or globe.

7. To be permitted to scream "Arabs go home," you must list and correctly
locate ten Arab homelands.

8. Those who wish to express opinions about Arabs and Arab-Americans must
pass the following test:
A. Those who follow the religion of Islam are
called: Moslems, Muslins, Fanatics
B. The holy book of Islam is called: The Koran, The
Koram, The Bible
C. In Arabic, God is called: Ali, Allah, Jehovah

9. Priority for purchase of American flags will be given to those whose
ancestors lived on American soil the longest. When all American Indians who
wish to display the red, white and blue are satisfied, other applicants will
be accepted.


10. A call for war on any radio talk-show will be construed as a public
declaration of willingness to enlist in the US Army; callers will have 24
hours to complete the paperwork.

***********************************************************************************************************

Date: Tue Oct 2 01:18:29 2001
'Almost Perfect' Studio

Excellent location near plentiful emergency services; 1 block from firehouse. Convenient ground floor unit faces street on major ambulance route. Free garbage pickup stop just outside window, every other morning (6am), recyclables pick-up thrice weekly.

Cracked tile kitchen countertop gives a modern “crazed” look. Heavy smokers will be in good company, including cannabis-users to the left and right of unit. Good mix of people in building including gregarious, off-at-3AM cocktail waitress in unit above, and cheery all-night whippit users within earshot.

Window coverings: Metal bars.
Laundry: Within a two BART stops.
Stove: Oil drum out back with fire in it.
Dishwasher: Not sure.
Disabled access: Often.
Parking: Available across street under abandoned overpass.
Outside Area: Garden space shared with crackhouse next door. Cultivated 5-frond plants included.
View: Fog.
Pets: Numerous species of bugs and small furry rodents.
Utilities: None, of course.
Rent: 2,500/mo.

***********************************************************************************************************
Date: Wed Oct 10 15:33:05 2001
We played Magic(tm), now let's *make* it!

You know who you are.

Last week's Voladon Grand Battle: you were wearing the Punisher t-shirt, I was wearing a teal tank-top.

I played my Thoren the Warrior card.

Your eyes twinkled. You layed down your Volcazon the Beastmaster.

Smart move.

But you knew I had the Cheeze. I could see in the way that you looked at me while gathering your cards that you wanted to meet again. But not for battle, this time.

***********************************************************************************************************
Date: Tue Nov 13 15:59:25 2001
* champion freecell player available for even your most boring job *
do you need someone to sit and stare at a computer screen all day, listlessly answering a barely ringing phone, making the occasional pot of coffee or filing semi-useless documents?

i'm your gal!

i can sit for a full eight hours with little or nothing to do and still keep my sunny personality ready and waiting for your next mindless request. why? because even with endless hours on my ass, i have a trick to prevent my brain from turning into oatmeal.
how does she do it, you ask?

freecell!

yes, enough with this internet nonsense. who needs a T1 when the microsoft office suite comes bountifully equipped with freecell?

god bless you, freecell, the chess of my desktop.

who can win a game with four aces buried in a stack replete with needless 3's? i can!
who throws caution to the wind and has no fear of three kings in the free spots if it'll free up some aces?
i do!

my stats are at 87%, my streak is 6, and i would have better stats if my goddamn computer hadn't crashed and ended a game i was definitively winning.

so if you need someone to sit at a desk and look very very concentrated as though working very very hard when in reality responsibility is menial and far-between, gimme a ring!

i'll call you back when i finish my next game of freecell.

***********************************************************************************************************
Date: Tue Feb 5 01:17:41 2002
To the person who left their computer in the trash on 7th Ave

To the person who left their old computer out on the street for the trash men on 7th Ave:

You left the hard driver in there, and as a dutiful techie and recycler I just scavanged it, hooked it up, and..

well.. dude - for you clearly _are_ a guy - you really need to get out more. ;-)

I respect your privacy, and am about to reformat it, but I have to say.. you like some sick-ass websites. ;-)

Thanks for the entertainment!


Other ways to contact poster:
WIPE YOUR HARD DRIVE BEFORE YOU THROW IT OUT! ;-)
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around your hard drive
***********************************************************************************************************
Date: Sat Apr 23 21:04:25 2005
All Right, Just Take the Damn Fireplace!!

You've broken me.

I asked $100, then $75, then (pathetically) make an offer.

Answered lots of questions. But no one came.

Meanwhile, the wife is like, "When is that thing going to be out of the garage?!"

I don't care anymore. Hear that, you cheap trolling CL bastards??

So just take it. The specs are below, taken verbatim from the first utter failure of a post I made a month or so ago:

"This is a large gas fireplace, not an insert. No existing firebox needed with this thing, though of course you need a flue. As you can see, it has two hinged glass doors and a screen, plus a log set that is actually pretty good looking. We took this out of our home when we knocked down a wall to make a great room. It is 15 years old, and doesn't seem to have been used very much--the interior is quite clean.

Since this is an open fireplace, it doesn't do a great job of heating a large space. However, the radiant heat when it is on is quite nice, and the flames are adjustable up to a big roaring fire.

There is a blower inside this thing, but as far as I could tell, it wasn't worth turning on (i.e. more noise than heat). Maybe you will know how to make these things work better than I ever did.

Dimensions are as follows:

--Fireplace: 4' wide, 3'4" tall, 2'2" deep (requires 3/4" clearance)

--Firebox: approx. 3' wide and 1'10" high in front, 1'7" deep.

You will need a buddy or two with you to load this thing."


Email me if you want it. First to get here when we are here gets it. Whee.

I'm not going to tell you any more about it, or help you load it, or show you how this fits that or anything. I'm going to open the garage and point, then shuffle back to my morning beer.

Because I'm a sad and beaten man, and I'm so very tired.
***********************************************************************************************************
Date: Thu Apr 21 09:26:38 2005
Join my GAY street gang! - m4mm - 25

Are you tough? Violent? Rough around the edges? You can't be kept down? Do you think Jennifer Hudson is totally a better diva than Fantasia and you'd kick anyone's ass who disagrees?

I'm starting up a gay gang! We'll do all the things that tough street gangs do (pick fights, steal wallets, critique b-list actresses on the red carpet) but we'll be comprised of gay men!

Now this gang isn't fancy-pansy like the ones in West Side Story. Wait, who am I kidding? It's EXACTLY like West Side Story. Only this time, Tony and Chino will have the cajones to actually get together, instead of wasting time on Natalie Wood (whose only good performance was in Rebel Without a Cause there I said it).

To join you'll have to pass a rigorous test. We can't tell you our gang name or our colors yet (and they change according to the Helmut Lang line), so you'll meet us at an undisclosed location near the Santa Monica pier.

First, you have to find an unsuspecting straight couple (preferably on a date) and mug them. Take their money, but only grab the wallet or purse if it is Burberry, Fendi, or something comparable. And be sure to mention that you thought [insert whatever the girl was wearing] went out two years ago.

Second, you have to mastermind a huge drug sale. This will be unbelievably easy, since you'll do it with E in the bathroom of The Abbey.

Third, you will be forced to get in a fight with one of the other gang hopefuls. The rest of us will be watching as you wrestle around, and you should be sure to tear some clothing and throw in a few light kisses and moans.

So if you're tough enough, just email me and we can start our gang. It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like, as long as you are attractive and have a great body.
***********************************************************************************************************This is what I do all day long.
Fun, no? Oh, and this too: http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/napoleon
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