August 30th, 2006

Work Related Anger

Right

Nuclear fucking fallout.

why? BECAUSE SHE MADE AN ISSUE OVER SOMETHING THAT WASN'T A FUCKING ISSUE.

Let me explain. When I mentioned the use of the shocker to her and the drawing that followed the next day that was to give example of me pulling away from these guys. I told her, I had originally joked around with them, made my own comments, etc. I fully cop to that. I also told her that I said, "Ok, enough is enough." I made it known that I didn't want to do that anymore, these topics weren't fun anymore. Then that incident occurred. THEN I told her that since then, it has abated. They cooled off. My ISSUE at large was with my boss. I felt that I was being singled out and ostracized all at the same time.

Result:

She makes it into a major issue with BR. NOT MY ISSUE. My issue is with F.
She pretty much jumps down his throat...with Pit Hair (PH) in the room. VERY unprofessional.
She talks to M, one of the drivers, I have no idea what she told him.
She talks to F. Oh. Dear. God.

How did I find this out? Well, first I get called to her office and I'm told that:

1) They don't talk to me beyond a professional level because they "don't know how I'll react"
2) I have the attitude that this job is beneath me
3) I played along with the jokes
4) If I need help, I just have to ask for it
5) F will not put any more training into me because I've made it known that I'm looking for another job

I reminded her that I *did* tell her that I joked around with them in the beginning and that that the comments had abated. This is also when I found out that B said something to them to cool it, it had gone too far. She told me that these were serious accusations. I told her that they are also true accusations, I do not make false accusations. I don't lie.

I then told her that I never said that this job was beneath me. Yes, I mentioned that I had a degree. Yes, I said that I wasn't going to work in shipping for long because I didn't go to school to do that. I don't see how this is an issue. It's wrong for me to try to go work in the field that I fucking studied for? Uh, ok.

I told her also that if putting this stuff away is now MY job, then I needed to be told that and then I would put it away in the afternoon when people have gone for the day (so I'm not having to interrupt work being done or trip over people) and not let it set around for TWO WEEKS. I also reminded her that my issue was with F and him only talking to me THROUGH BR not actually to me. Even when I'd go up to him it was very curt, but he'd joke around with everyone else. We used to have that kind of rapport and now it's gone. I don't know what happened.

So. At the end of the day today (can you tell that she fucking pissed me right the fuck off) I told BR that I needed to clear the air with him regarding this. I told him that it was not my intention to get anyone in trouble, that my issue was with F, not him. And he told me that she made it seem like it was all his fault, etc. I said, your name was mentioned probably 2 times in the whole thing. That was it. My issue was with F. So, now he has a grievance and I hope a better understanding of where I'm coming from. I explained to him that when that drawing the accompanying text were shown to me that it was like a slap in the face to me. It was saying, "This is how we view you. We don't respect you as a person or as a co-worker." Notice I didn't mention woman, because that isn't the issue. It's a matter of respecting your fellow human beings. I told him that it took all of my strength to not break down and cry when I saw that paper and that was why I was so angry with him. He claims no recollection of the words "bitch" and "cunt" being written on the paper. I said, "Trust me, they were on there."

Then F appeared and I also explained to him the same things that I explained to BR. I also told him that I didn't feel that I could go to him about how all of this was affecting me. He said that he didn't know that all of that was going on, her telling him was the first he had heard of the drawing and the text and that it wouldn't happen anymore. I told him that since B apparently talked to them, that it hasn't been an issue and that I told her that wasn't the issue, my issue was with being singled out and/or totally out of the loop. And then I told him about when I would come talk to him it was very curt and there was no comraderie, it was just business and that was that. That the only time he would talk to me was through BR and that I didn't know why this was going on and that yesterday was just my breaking point. I couldn't handle it anymore.

So, tomorrow, I get to talk to M and PH about this and let them know that I did not go to her with that as my issue, my issue was with F. I feel like a fucking broken record here. I have also stepped up my job search. I think what I may do is go to F tomorrow if things don't go well with M and PH and say, "Maybe it would be for the best for me to leave this department. I don't think that it's going to repair itself and me being out of the picture is probably the only way for it to heal quickly."

Part of me doesn't want to leave my department. I enjoy doing what I do, for the most part. But, if it is going to continue in this manner, then that's probably what's going to have to happen until I can find another job. Plus, D and I get along pretty well, so that won't be an issue.

I just really really really hate this. I hate that it came to this and that what I saw as my only option turned out to be a huge mistake because she completely latched onto the wrong thing.
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    pissed off pissed off