Been emailing some old college buddies over the past few days. We do this every two months or so to catch each other up on what's going on. I'm watching them move forward and I feel like I'm stuck. I mean, yes, I did move 2000 miles away, but only to find myself in the same kind of mess. At least, that is what it looks like to me right now. Logically, I know it's not the same, but it still feels that way. One of my friends has seemed to have stumbled into her Mr. Right, so, probably have yet ANOTHER wedding to get out for next year. They are already looking into getting a house together. Not rent, buy. Another friend is giving grad school a go and starts classes soon. Another one just got a sweet promotion and a new office. I feel kind of lame writing and saying, "Well, I'm working two jobs and I have no social life because of it. I will end up the old lady with thirty cats, but I don't know if that's scary or not. I'll get back to you."
I think what the problem is right now is that I'm headed for uncertainty again. I don't like it when things aren't lined up in a row and are calm and there. No clue when this job ends, no one is calling me about new jobs and 2nd job ends in a week. That is my major cause for trepidation...how to get money to pay bills. Sure, I can go waitress somewhere or try to snag a retail job, but that will take a little time to line up. I don't like not having my ducks in a row. So, I read about my friends seeming to have it together and wonder if they feel as lost as I do. Then I realize that I am only writing to them of the various positives in my life, none of the negatives and that they may be heavily censoring themselves as well. Then I feel bad for hoping that that is the case. :)
As for ending up a cat lady, well, like I said, I don't know if that scares me or not. (Looks at all the commas used and is scared) Sure, I would like someone to be home when I get there or to be waiting for someone to come home, just not right now but also...right now. Is that confusing enough? See, it gets a little lonely in my head sometimes and I wonder how nice it would be to have someone to come home to and say, "Hi, how was your day? Tell me what the cats did when you came home. Describe your shoe to me please. Just. Talk. Read the ingredients in soda you are drinking. Anything." See, cats don't do that. They just meow accusingly at you. "Where have you been all day? We need our litter cleaned and don't forget to add the baking soda this time! Where is our fresh water?" At the same time, there are some nights when I come home and embrace the silence and the fact that I can walk in, throw my bag on the couch, and "get ugly," and no one is the wiser. I think what I crave the most is the "curl up." Sitting with someone and watching a movie or each person reading material of their choice. (I REALLY need to catch up on my magazines)
Don't get me wrong, I am thoroughly enjoying my singleness. I don't have a maternal urge kicking in and making me want to go have 10 babies, thank goodness! :) I cherish the quiet time that I have, but I sometimes wonder if it's doing me more harm than good.
I think things will be a bit brighter once the employment thing gets straightened away, until then I'll probably look like a sullen teen who has been told she can't get a third eyebrow ring. I'll even have the black lipstick on. :)