I must say that I am glad that you are not interested in feces/urine play, if not for the mess factor, but it really just isn't very sanitary.
I guess the really big question is this: Who is your team?
Also, I can respect that you need to retain some autonomy in a relationship and that football viewing can *not* be interrupted by anything. Especially some sicko who needs to be tied up for 3 1/2 - 7 hours at any given time.
Thanks for your honest answers and good luck with your search! :)