LocaKitty (locakitty) wrote,

breakdown, on using livejournal as free therapy

Saturday night I had another crying breakdown. Like, full body heaving, tears flowing, snot, the whole shebang. I'm a really ugly cryer. It's true. It's just messy.

- I feel unvalued. I know on one hand that this isn't true, because there is a reliance on what I offer that they depend on
- The environment is poisonous. When Crazy D is there, it's a crapshoot. It's like being a battered spouse. You don't know if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. You walk on eggshells, but the days that he isn't there are like, to quote Matthew Inman, "playing in an angel's backhair". It's amazing. We work together, we aren't trying to avoid working a window with him, we aren't having to handle him like we are talking to our grandpa at the nursing home while he battles dementia (not to make light of dementia, please don't think that's what I'm doing). I spend days dreading the shifts where I will have to work more than one hour with him. I get anxious on shifts where I close and he opens the next day. It's poison. It's being held hostage by a five year old who throws a tantrum when things don't go his way.
- I've started to look for new jobs. Part time is preferable, just so I can have more flexibility working on my baking business. So there is this smaller level of stress added to it, because I don't want to leave my coworkers, but we all understand the toxic environment. One of the newer guys, IV, was really funny on Saturday, "I don't understand..." and I cut him off. "You don't understand how I've lasted almost 5 years."
"Yeah. I just don't know how you did it."
He's been there just over a year and is already talking about finding a new job. It is AMAZING how much one person can contaminate an environment.
- There really is nothing I can do to help improve the environment. I try to follow the whole "don't complain about the dark, instead light a candle", but, this is like the Nothing from Neverending Story. I can only do so much as I have no power. I am not an owner in this business. All I can do is leave. I am replaceable. What I have been doing is offering my support and cheerleadering my coworkers to look for new jobs. I may even take one of them to work on her resume. She seems to feel trapped because "the money is good". She's only 22, and honestly, the money can always be better somewhere else. Especially when you are a valued member of the team.

- Jessie has been out of work for about a month. I've been floating us since then, but well, he owes me a lot of money and it freaks me out not to have the cushion I used to have in my savings account. Especially since I used about a third of my savings to front the costs of my business (equipment and food).
- It gets messy in here. It drives me nuts. I contribute to the mess, but I'm so exhausted at the end of another 12 hour shift on my feet walking on eggshells that I don't want to do the dishes. I don't want to vacuum. I don't want to throw away the garbage from dinner. I just want to go to bed. I definitely don't want to do the laundry or put it away.
- The kitty is fine. She purrs. She sits on my lap. She bothers me for food. I like the kitty.

There are a few other things that I don't really want to put down at this time, because, well, they are still very private for me. But, they are things that I would love to give some emotion to, but I feel like I don't really have enough to spare right now. I can't figure out how to move the amount of emotion that work takes and put it to other things, like these other things I've got going on.

My drinking has increased over the past few months. On the happy side, I guess, I no longer seem to get raging headaches from beer/liquor like I used to. So that's good. On a good money side, it doesn't take as much to get me drunk anymore, so that's super. I don't like that I'm drinking again, but, I also am aware of how much I am drinking, and I make sure to not let it get carried away. My diet has also taken a turn for the worst. I'm keeping mostly vegetarian, but, sometimes, well, I just need food in my belly.

I feel like I'm trying to make improvements and stop repeating the same mistakes. I don't know if I could keep doing this on my own, without Jessie here. He was so great while i was just crying. He just held me. He let me be gross with my snot and tears. I felt bad because it made him angry, not at me, but at my bosses. I didn't want him to be angry. honestly, I tried to keep the tears in, but I couldn't do it. My voice just cracked and that was that. It all came out.

It sucks. It really does. But, I'm doing what I can. I'm trying to make the changes now.

And I need to make an eye appointment.

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